Dear Friends, :)
Well, it's safe to say that I was pretty much "not good" at blogging whilst in the ol 'Hond. Of course there are many reasons for this.. the first and most obvious being, "How can you sum up a week or a month when every day (or hour) feels like a week's worth of events have happened when you're in a state of constant learning and growth?" I mean, with 300-500 children around.. needing love, support, grace, encouragement, forgiveness.. and teaching you what unconditional love really is, how can every day not feel multiply-ably strenuous and indescribable? I certainly gained a wealth of appreciation for all of you amazing parents out there!! :)
When I got back, I decided to "hide" all of my blogs from the year. I guess I felt well, for one, worried that someone might see them and feel discouraged about the frustrating things to which I may have eluded, although I don't believe I did that very often. *laughs to self* I did write about killing cockroaches at 5am in the shower.. and feeling abandoned in the city :) But mainly I got rid of the blogs because I felt as though my not-well-thought-out-due-to-lack-of-time-to-think-straight writings were far too shallow to come close to communicating what that year was like.
Then I came home and was in a whirlwind of "find-job-get-recertified-for-all-things-nursing-see-family-try-to-see-friends-unpack-pack-and-cope-with-the-whiplash-of-change-you've-just-experienced-move-to-California-start-new-job, etc..." In other words, there wasn't a lot of time to "process things," so-to-speak. ;)
It wasn't until a girl, who is considering volunteering as a nurse on the ranch, wrote to me to ask me about my experience that I finally gathered my thoughts. When asked about my favorite experience, I wrote:
"... 'being there' for the kids, especially when they were in the clinic. Taking that extra time to spend with them. For example, when a little guy, 11-years-old, had fallen, bruised his eye and potentially had a concussion, he had to spend a few days in the clinic in "observation." But by Saturday evening it was clear he was a-ok and ready to go back to hogar (the house where he lived with boys his age). When I told him this, he grew instantly anxious and upset. He started crying saying he didn't want to leave the clinic. At first I figured it was because he was enjoying watching tv with the other kids, skipping out on hogar chores, and eating the special food the staff was making. And though my first thought was, "Oh come on, it's okay, let's go." Because let's be honest, it was Saturday evening which meant there was some kind of activity with all of the kids (I loved the weekend activities). But something nudged me to stop and inquire further.
So I sat down and asked him, "What's going on? What's wrong??" It took him a while to calm down enough to tell me he was scared to go back to hogar because they would make fun of him for his bruise. (!!!) Poor guy. I realized that this boy, just like any other young child (and adult, really) was terrified of being scrutinized by his peers. So we sat and we talked about his feelings, fears, the ranch and the world outside of the ranch, for kids and adults, for a long time. He then moved on to tell me he hadn't eaten dinner yet! ha.. so we got him some food and once his physical and emotional needs had been met, he finally felt brave enough to face his peers.
We headed to the outdoor auditorium but he wanted to sit outside, in the dark, close to everyone but not within sight. After a bit, he asked me if I wanted to go in and I said, "Sure, if you do." So we made our way in (I followed him) back to a corner of the auditorium and and looked on while the other kids performed and he hid the entire left side of his face with his hooded sweatshirt. It didn't take long before he was up and was running around, still with the side of his face covered, enjoying the night with his friends.
It was so simple, really, this child needed someone to stop and take the time to hear him out, to understand his fears and to encourage him. That which so many of us have taken for granted because we had parents who were there and nurtured us.
A month or so later, when I was leaving after our "last mass" on the ranch, amongst the craziness of saying goodbyes, he ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. Honestly, I hadn't again thought about that night we spent hanging out, talking.. but in this moment, this hug, I knew that he hadn't forgotten it. And for him, even just for that one night, I had made a difference. He knew someone cared enough to listen and be there for him. It was those moments that made everything (because there are times when I questioned it) worth it.
And I truly mean it. That's it.. I was no hero.. I didn't save the world, I didn't even save the program I was trying to improve, I wasn't "super-volunteer-of-the-year," but I was someone - an adult - who took the time to care.. and that is why I went- to love those kids because who doesn't need someone to care about them?
Oh "el rancho" ... it is a special place. It is far from an easy place, but a whole unique world that I'm convinced you cannot understand until you've been there, lived in it, made mistakes, been humbled, and been shown and given love, grace, and forgiveness .. but once you have, once you start to understand the place, the good and the bad become absolutely beautiful and much more than "worth it."
I was only there 13 months.. some will be there for 2 years, some have been there their entire adult lives, but it is a place, and an experience impossible to neatly/succinctly "sum up."
I guess this is about as close as it gets for this girl.
Thank you to all of you who supported me through prayers, phone calls, care-packages, cards and love. They meant and strengthened me more than you could ever know!
Love and Peace
Laura
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